If William Shakespeare had written Advent Children
by Licoriceallsorts
Summary: If Shakespeare had been working for Square Enix, AC might have turned out something like this.... I am not Square Enix and make no claim to ownership of anything related to FFVII. I am also, obviously, not Shakespeare.
1. Act I

_Author's note: I suppose I should now call this Shakespeare's Advent Children Complete. Act I has been updated, with a new scene in the Northern Crater that includes a sonnet for Sephiroth, and a proper cast list. I hope to finish the whole thing in about a month. I would warmly welcome any feedback on: places where it doesn't make sense (well, you know what I mean); places where the pacing drags; lines that don't scan; suggestions for scenes, speeches, sonnets etc... Some jokes are intentionally lame, or, as one might say, iambic._

_

* * *

_

**ADVENT CHILDREN, COMPLEAT**

**Or**

**_Don't Dilly-Dally On the Way_**

**Or**

**_All's Well That Ends At All_**

**Or**

**_Srsly, Whatever_**

**_. *** ._**

**DRAMATIS PERSONAE**

_**.**_

_**The House of Shinra**_

Rufus Shinra. _Lord of Midgar_

Reno, Rude, Tseng, Elena. _Servants to Rufus_

_._

_**The House of Jenova**_

Sephiroth. _A demi-god_

Kadaj. _A remnant_

Loz and Yazoo. _Siblings to Kadaj_

.

_**Avalanche**_

Cloud Strife. _A delivery boy_

Tifa Lockheart. _A barmaid_

Marlene. _The Fair Maid of Edge_

Denzel . _An orphan_

_Friends to Cloud and Tifa:_

Barret Wallace. _The Moor of Corel_

Cid Highwind. _A pilot_

Yuffie Kisaragi. _A princess of the House of Godo_

Red XIII. _A marvellous beaste_

Vincent Valentine. _A marksman_

Zack and Aerith_. Spirits_

.

Master Wool-Cap. _A denizen of Edge_

_Citizens, children, plague victims, rude mechanics, monsters, etc…._

_._

_

* * *

._

THE PROLOGUE

**.**

_Enter Marlene_

_._

**Marlene**

The Lifestream, which doth circle our dear Planet,

Wherein all life both issues and returns

Was once abused and sucked upon for profit

By Shinra – O, will mankind never learn? –

And to defend their int'rests, they created

A SOLDIER, who, on learning of his birth,

First Shinra, and then everything he hated,

He sought to cleanse, by fire, from this Earth.

Then AVALANCHE, the heroes, came to fight him

And by their love and courage saved the world.

Yet even they our darkness could not lighten

And now a worse affliction has unfurled.

Salvation still eludes us, hearts are fraught:

The Planet is much madder than we thought.

_._

_Exit_

_._

_

* * *

_

_._

**ACT I**

** Scene 1,**_**The Northern Crater**_

_Alarums, drums, Latin chanting._

_Enter Sephiroth._

_._

**Sephiroth**

Now is the winter of my discontent

Warming to springtime, thus to bud anew.

Long and cold hath been my banishment,

Yet while I slept within the earth, I grew

Three ripening shoots of malice, three bad seeds

Sprigs of the poisoned tree, whose roots do lie

Entwined so deep, so like th'entrenched weeds,

That twenty times be plucked yet ne'er do die,

But, greedy still, suck on the stream of life.

This planet's rock's my bones, my flesh its earth.

I shall return to deal with thee, Cloud Strife,

For Mother is contriving my rebirth!

Until that day, I send to do my will

Three ill-begot, by whom shall all go ill.

.

_Exit; enter Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz_

_._

**All**

Fair is foul and foul is fair

But it's never a bad thing

To have pretty hair.

**.**

**Kadaj**

Appearances can be deceiving;

Seeing need not mean believing.

**.**

**Yazoo**

Put faith in neither ears nor eyes

For falsehoods come in true disguise.

**.**

**Loz**

Mother's head is somewhere here:

I can feel it's very near.

.

_Enter Tseng, Elena_

.

But who are those people there?

I do not like the suits they wear.

I do not like the guns they bear.

I do not like their narrow ties.

I do not like their steely eyes.

**.**

**Kadaj**

Let's kill them.

.

**Tseng**

Stand not upon ceremony, Reno

But bring down the chopper here. Swiftly now!

.

_Enter Reno._

.

**Elena**

Take this, and bear it hence without delay.

To our poor master. Danger approacheth!

.

_Exit Reno._

_Exeunt Tseng and Elena, pursued by Kadaj, Loz, and Yazoo._

_._

_._

**Scene 2**, _**Healen Lodge**_

.

_Enter Rufus Shinra_

.

**Rufus**

Behold me, captain once of industry,

President of a mighty corporation,

Most powerful, and richest, man on earth,

Reduced to a pathetic crippled wretch.

A hideous black stigma, a foul curse

Corrupts my skin and turns my blood to tar

And wracks my tender bones with such pure torment

I beg for pity from the brazen sky.

They call it Geostigma; there's no cure.

And many thousands round me suffer too,

And daily die, alone, abused, abandoned

By those whose love is overset by fear.

Will I, too, sit meekly in my wheelchair,

And wait for fate to rot me from within?

I say I will not; therefore have I sent

Some loyal servants of my company

To seek the root and source of this fell evil:

Jenova's head, from whence springs all our woes.

From those same alien cells, which once we used

To breed forbidden monsters in our labs

The Shinra Corporation will devise

A wondrous drug, the needed remedy:

To thus put right the wrongs which we have done.

And now good cheer: I see they do return.

.

_Enter Rude and Reno_

.

Well met, my friends, I trust you bring me joy?

And where are Tseng and Laney? You don't speak?

Yet in your hands, good Reno, I espy

A treasure box that urges me to hope.

Come, come. Still mute? Now, tell me - what's the news?

.

**Reno**

I know not, yo, how best I may unfold

The sorrow and the gladness that we bear.

We have Jenova's head, my lord, right here

But Tseng and sweet Elena, they are lost.

.

**Rufus**

Lost? Pronounce it not! My Tseng? And Laney?

.

**Rude**

Alas, my lord.

.

**Reno**

T'was in the Northern Crater, as you thought

But when I flew the chopper down to fetch

My master and the rookie from the cave,

Who had between them found the thing we sought,

Three youths in leather clad, with silver hair

Attacked with unprovoked ferocity.

Then did Tseng bid us grab the head and flee.

.

**Rufus**

You did not see them die? Fair hope yet lives.

Take me within.

.

**Reno**

I prithee, sir, forbear

To use such saucey words of double meaning.

The audience might get the wrong idea.

.

.

**Scene 2. **_**Seventh Heaven, a bar in Edge**_

**.**

_a phone rings_

_enter Tifa_

**Tifa**

What irony! That phone does not stop ringing

The callers seek a man who is not here.

And if I only knew the place to find him,

I would not be here either. Marlene, ho!

.

**Marlene**

I'm busy right now looking after Denzel.

His Geostigma's really bad today.

.

**Tifa: **All right, sweetie, I'll answer it myself.

Hullo? Oh, yes, I do remember you.

The red-haired sexy slob, the one who dropped

The seventh plate of Midgar on the slums

And wiped out countless innocent dear souls

And crushed my bar, my friends, my joy, my home.

How you been doin'? Cloud? No, he's not here.

I'll leave him a voice message, say you called.

Drop round for a drink some time, why don't you?

.

.

**SCENE 3.** _**A blasted heath**_

.

_Enter Cloud_

.

**Cloud**

Though restless motion cannot bring relief

From leaden guilt that weighs my stricken soul

And dogs my footsteps like a hungry wolf

Gnawing on my shackled, sinful heart,

Yet still I – Oh, I have a message.

'Tis Tifa! More guilt! Guilt everywhere I turn!

She bids me make all haste to Healen Lodge

Where work awaits this blonde delivery boy.

.

_Noises off_

_._

What, ho? Who are you, you there? Show yourselves.

.

_Enter Loz, Yazoo, and Kadaj_

_._

**Kadaj**

Ah, at last we find our long-lost brother.

.

**Loz**

It's that man there, all dressed in black?

We want our mummy! Give her back!.

.

**Yazoo**

Cease thy sniveling, Loz, thou puling babe.

.

**Cloud**

I know not who you are, and what you say

Doth make no sense to my perplexed ears.

You look strangely familiar, but who

You remind me of I cannot recall.

I am in haste on an urgent errand.

And you are in my way. Therefore, begone!

.

_They fight._

_Exeunt Kadaj, Loz, and Yazoo._

_._

**Cloud**

As suddenly as they appeared, they go.

And I must go to Healen Lodge. Healen!

How easily that word trips from my tongue.

Would that it could be gained with equal ease.

Healen, aye. And 'tis Healing that I seek.

And the ailing world doth seek it with me,

That healing that is nowhere to be found.

Unhealed, swift-heeled, I go in search of Healen.

.

_Exit Cloud_

_._

**.**

**SCENE 4. **_**Healen Lodge**_

_Enter Cloud and Reno_

_._

**Reno**

Hail, Cloud, and 'tis a long time no see, and indeed we have been waiting a long time, a pretty time, to see thee, for thou hast taken thy time, thou pretty piece of flesh, zo to. And therefore may I well say hail cloud, for thou art like the hail that falleth from the gloomy emo clouds and breaketh things and hitteth my head and generally giveth me a real downer, yo.

_._

**Cloud**

Is't me, or dost thou speak passing strangely?

**.**

**Reno**

The most useful thing, zo, about having

An idiosyncratic speech pattern

Is that I can insert a few extra

Syllables whenever I need to, yo.

**.**

**Cloud**

I stay not to bandy words with thee, fool.

Be off with thee. And leave Tifa alone.

.

**Reno**

Like thou'dst know what to do with her.

_exit Reno, sprawling (but not sorry)_

_._

_enter Rude_

_._

**Rude**

… … … … … … … … … Cloud.

.

**Cloud**

Someone who talks sense at last! Rude, tell me:

Who summoned me here and for what purpose?

.

**Rude**

Behold, he comes.

.

**Reno **_(__off)_

Watch what thou sayest!

.

_Enter Rufus Shinra_

_._

**Rufus**

I see thou hast not lost thy touch, for thou

Fightest like the SOLDER thou once claimed to be.

.

**Cloud**

Rufus Shinra! Do I feel sorry for

You! You're alive, but you must be poor now.

.

**Rufus**

Surprisingly, I'm still a wealthy man.

This scene could get quite long, so I'll be brief.

Sephiroth, the nightmare Shinra SOLDIER,

Who slew my father, and burnt down thy town,

And killed that cute chick Tseng was crushing on,

And summoned Meteor to wreck the planet;

The one whom thou hast slain two times already,

Lives yet within the Lifestream, seeks revenge,

Poisons all life, causes Geostigma.

And therefore do I need a bodyguard,

While I right the wrongs that I wrought this world.

.

**Cloud**

Methinks you do not tell me everything.

.

**Rufus**

I would never lie to an old comrade.

.

**Cloud**

I know you for the very prince of liars, I!

What of 'mother', Rufus? What of silver

-haired, leather-clad, androgynous young men

on motorbikes?

.

**Reno **_(__off)_

Hey, who art thou to talk?

.

**Rufus**

We don't know who they are or what they want.

But come, what say you, Cloud, to my offer?

Consider the children who live with you.

Don't you want to see smiles on their faces?

.

**Reno **_(__off)_

Cloud, think about it. Together we could –

.

**Cloud**

Forget it. He steals all my scenes. I'm off.

.

_Exit Cloud_

_._

**Rude, Rufus**

Reno!

.

_Curtain_


	2. Act II

_12.7.10 Act II reposted. The first few scenes are unchanged, but there are two crucial new scenes added at the end.  
Despite appearances to the contrary, there was not enough sexual ambiguity, gender confusion, innuendo and cross-dressing in the movie version to meet the Bard's exacting standards. This script contains his improvements. Enjoy.  
_

* * *

**ACT II**

**Scene 1, ****A slum church**_. _

_Enter Marlene and Tifa_

**.**

**Marlene**

A right goodly place is this church, Tifa.

See how flowers in abundance grow

So gloriously as I have never seen.

Surely it must be an angel who lives here.

**.**

**Tifa**

These signs of habitation strewn about,

The hard bed on the wooden floor, the lamp

The books, the brassbound magic chest,

Speak what I did not wish to know was true:

'Tis Cloud who lives here now, my poor Marlene.

And see, the blackened cloth, the stain of sin.

**.**

**Marlene**

Oh, woe. Does Cloud have Geostigma too?

**.**

**Tifa**

I think he wants to die and be with her.

**.**

**Marlene**

We cannot let him die. We will wait here.

Until he returns, and then take him home.

_._

_Enter Loz_

**.**

**Loz**

Ho, wench, ho, answer me this: where's mother?

**.**

**Tifa**

Have we met, sir? You look familiar.

**.**

**Loz**

I am but a child indeed, and playful

After the manner of my kind.

**.**

**Tifa**

Bully

Thou truly art, but I've thy measure, aye.

_._

_They fight. Tifa falls. Exit Loz with Marlene._

**.**

**Scene 2, ****Healen Lodge**

_Enter Reno, Rude_

**.**

**Reno**

Prithee, partner, dost thou ever feel bad

For all the wicked deeds that we have done?

All the murders that we have committed?

All the lives we ruined, all the hearts

We broke and trampled, all the lies we told,

The bribes we took and gave and then betrayed?

The cards we marked, the booze we pinched, the girls

We said we'd call but never did?

**.**

**Rude**

Perchance.

**.**

**Reno**

T'was japes, though, aye? Merry times.

**.**

**Rude**

Thou speaks't true.

T'were better, though, we recognised our crimes.

**.**

**Reno**

I only ever followed orders, yo.

_._

_Enter Kadaj, disguised as a puff of smoke. They fight. Reno and Rude fall._

_Enter Rufus._

**.**

**Kadaj**

You have sent me on a wild goose chase, sir, and wild geese are not to my taste, for I am a vegetarian, sir. I know you, sir, better than you think, and I know that false words pour from your rosy lips as smoothly as honey from a honey pot; but I will not be seduced by their sweetness, sirra. You will tell me the truth. Where is mother?

**.**

**Rufus**

Alack the day. My minions were careless.

Consider how easily thou didst best

Them: they are clumsy and incompetent

As thou canst most readily imagine.

**.**

**Reno**

My lord, scruple not to spare our feelings.

**.**

**Rufus**

He dropped Jenova from the chopper. We

Cannot account for her whereabouts.

**.**

**Kadaj**

"Tis pity, then, that thou didst not feel some

Pity for these miserable wretches,

Once thy servants, as I do believe,

If these bloody ID cards speak the truth.

**.**

**Rufus**

Tseng! Elena! Where are they? Speak, villain,

Who thou art, and why thou art doing this!

**.**

**Kadaj**

To answer that question would cost me more

Breath than I am willing to waste on you.

But this I'll say: once we have Jenova,

Sephiroth shall be paying you a call.

_Exit_

.

**Scene 3. A church in the slums. **

_Enter Cloud_

**.**

**Cloud**

Rufus Shinra lives! T'is marvelous strange

And passeth understanding, how he did

Survive the burning of his mighty tower.

Cursed miracle! Inevitable chance!

That he who least deserveth life, should win

Merciful reprieve from merciless fate,

While she whose very presence was as light

And warmth shed by a never-setting sun,

Whose smile was kindness, and whose laughter joy,

Should have the flame of her brief candle quenched;

N'er by phoenix down to be rekindled.

Monstrous justice, deformed and corrupted!

Villainous unfairness, of mako spawned!

Rufus Shinra lives, Aerith Gainsborough's gone.

And I, too, I who should have died, extend

My miserable existence to no end.

Zack, alas, nought wert thou sacrificed for!

This world's a worse place now than t'was before.

Tifa! What dost thou here? Art slumbering?

Tifa? Art thou dead? Who did this to thee?

**.**

**Tifa**

A silver-haired androgynous young man.

He asked for Mother, and then took Marlene.

Dark waves of night o'ersurge my troubled mind.

My eyes will not stay open. I must sleep.

**.**

**Cloud**

Tifa! Marlene! Too late! The guilt! I swoon!

.

**Scene 4, the Forgotten Capital**

_Enter Kadaj, Loz, and Marlene_

.

**Kadaj **_**[sings]**_

When I was but an a tiny little lad,

With a hey, ho and hey nonny no,

My mother promised I would go to the bad

Hi nonny, hey nonny, ho nonny ho.

_._

_Kadaj danceth._

**.**

**Marlene**

Alack for me, a vulnerable orphan

Brought here against my will, and then compelled

To frolick in their moonstruck masquerade.

Oh Cloud! Make haste! Come thou and rescue me!

**.**

**Loz**

Behold, Yazoo and the brats from Midgar.

_._

_Enter Yazoo and children._

**.**

**Kadaj**

Brothers, sisters, all join in

With a hey, ho, and hey nonny no,

Soon Reunion will begin

Hi nonny, hey nonny, ho nonny ho

Do as I do, drink like me

With a hey, ho, the wind and rain.

Then you'll one with mother be,

And Sephiroth will come again.

**.**

**All**

Hey nonny, hi nonny, diddle diddle dee

**.**

**Kadaj**

Ah, me.

**.**

**Yazoo**

What a heavy sigh is there! Kadaj, speak:

What deep sorrow welleth in thy soul?

**.**

**Kadaj**

My heart missed a beat, and now cannot find

Its wonted rhythm. I know who hath it,

But the name is more than I dare confide,

Even to thee.

**.**

**Yazoo**

The thief should be punished.

**.**

**Kadaj**

.

T'was no theft, but freely given away

Unasked for and, I fear me, undesired.

Leave me be; by and by I will be well.

_._

_Exit_

**.**

**Yazoo**

Come, friends, let us complete our preparations.

_._

_Exeunt_

**.**

**SCENE 5 Healen Lodge, interior**

_Enter Rufus Shinra_

**.**

**Rufus**

Afflicted by unspeakable desires,

My loins do burn with dark, unnatural fires.

My heart is as distempered as my flesh,

Aching, throbbing, itching for release

From suffering that dare not speak its name.

Kadaj, get from my mind! Tempter, begone!

Foul fever! Is this yet more corruption

Twisting me to the core of my manhood,

And blackening my twice-besmirched soul?

And yet, methinks I never saw a maiden

So soft of cheek, so delicate of mien

As that cruel fair youth – too unfairly cruel

Cruel in his beauty that pierced mine eyes,

And pinned me thus, a monstrous specimen

Of every malformed, misbegotten lust.

More have I cause to hate him than to love!

Spawn of Jenova! Sprig of Sephiroth!

Certes he must have cast some dev'lish magic.

His cursed _manipulation _hath unmanned me,

Stiffening the prick of my fond yearnings

And _soft_ening my hardened resolve, he

Launched a _sneak attack_ on my defenses,

_Double-cut_ my heart with shame and passion,

And my resistance hath been _slashed all._

But soft, here comes my minion. Reno, what ho?

**.**

_enter Reno_

_._

**Reno**

You should lend that joke your wheelchair, yo.

My good lord, I bring you news of Cloud.

For Rude and this thy fool, your humble servants,

Sought, and in th'abandoned church did find them

Stretched like dreamers on th'Ancient's flowers,

And on our shoulders we took up their weight

And to the bar, their home, we did return them.

She'd been in a fight, but he is ailing,

E'en with thine own blotchy canker, lord.

I left Rude with them. They are sleeping still.

And I made all haste here to know thy will.

**.**

**Rufus**

Stand guard o'er them. Abide their wakening.

Then fill them in on everything we know.

**.**

**Reno**

Once more, Reno, away, on duty's wings!

_._

_Exit Reno_

**.**

**Rufus **

Anon, good Reno. If thou only knew

My real sickness, thou mighst not serve so true.

_Enemy, away! _I'll _master_ my heart.

Now will I _revive_ my strength and _shield_ me.

Th'enchantment he hath cast must I _dispel_,

By _summoni_ng the willpower to _counter_

Th'insiduous _poison_ of quicksilvery _charm_s.

And yet… Kadaj, do thou but _morph_ thyself

And _mime_ the damsel which I would'st thou wert,

_Transform_ed would be the _barrier_ that doth

Divide us, and thus with a kiss I'd _seal_ –

Enough of that! Rufus Shina, abjure

These wicked imaginings. There's no _cure_

And thou, un_regen_erate, must _endure_

It in _silence_. This sin you dare not speak.

Nor give the public cause to think you weak.

My secret love goes with me to the grave

Thus, tho' my heart be lost, my pride I'll save.

_._

_Exit_

_

* * *

__Is Rufus doomed to love in vain? Is there more to Kadaj than meets the eye? Will Cloud sort out his feelings for Tifa before Reno makes a move on her? And will anyone remember to rescue Marlene? Act III coming up soon. _


	3. Act III

**ACT III**

.

**Scene 1, a room in Seventh Heaven**

**.**

_Enter Cloud, Tifa, Rude, Reno_

_._

**Reno**

The silver-haired androgynous young men

Have taken all the kids with Geostigma.

.

**Rude**

Their base is the Forgotten Capital.

.

**Cloud**

Hie you and bring the poor innocents thence.

I must to Rufus, seeking explanations.

.

**Tifa**

Go to! For shame! T'is an excuse thou seekst

To justify thy failure to do aught.

Thou art sick – aye, thy secret is well out.

Wilt thou not let me help to make thee well?

Wilt thou not go to bring our children home?

Tish, Denzel has more fight in him than thee.

Cloud, if thou art a man, play the man's part.

And if thou lovest us, then open thy heart,

To find the noble soul that once dwelt there.

But, if thou'rt dead to us, and hast no care

But to deny the living, and pursue

Lost dreams, slain hope – if all I fear is true,

If thou and I will ne'er a family make –

Then stay! Stay and die! So shall my heart break!

.

_Exit Tifa_

.

**Reno**

Pay heed to her. We do withdraw forthwith.

All their base are belong to thee. Adieu.

.

_Exit Reno and Rude._

.

**Cloud**

To be or not to be, that is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to do a barrel roll around my troubles,

And by opposing, end them? Accept the pain

Inflicted by the Planet for my sins,

Embrace the death decreed my punishment

And thus, by calm submission, be at peace?

Or shall I take this sword in hand, and fight,

As once, old friend, I swore to thee I would,

For Tifa, and for Denzel, and Marlene?

Yet how can I, who cannot help myself,

Bring anything but grief to those I love?

I weary of this life. I long for rest.

Oh, when will this nightmare ever end?

_._

_enter Aerith's ghost_

_._

**Aerith's ghost**

Dilly-dally shilly-shally.

.

**Cloud**

T'is thee! Oh, saint! Speak again, bright angel!

.

**Aerith's ghost**

Dilly-dally shilly-shally.

.

**Cloud**

Such sight of thee my heart hath long desired.

Yet I do fear to trust too-wishful eyes,

Perchance I conjure phantoms from the air

And dress them in the colours of my dreams.

Aerith, 'tis truly you?

.

**Aerith's ghost**

The winds of sorrow and of penitence

Drive Cloud through dark skies overcast with doubt.

And, like the restless shadow of the Cloud

I knew, movs't thou across the surface of

The earth. Be still now. Tell me what thou seekst.

.

**Cloud**

Forgiveness.

.

**Aerith's ghost**

Let thy heart be eased. I never blamed thee.

.

**Cloud**

I stood helpless by and watched him kill thee.

**.**

**Aerith's ghost**

My fate could not be altered by thy will.

My timely death my purpose did fulfil.

Forgive thyself, Cloud, as I forgive thee.

Let the sun shine into thy heart. Be free.

Now – let's mosey.

.

**Cloud**

Thy word is my command!

So shall the babes be rescued by my hand.

To the Forgotten Capital I'll go

To save Marlene, and to confront my foe.

.

_Exit Cloud_

.

**Aerith's ghost**

That Cloud. He thinks he got off pretty lightly.

See how he goes, so eager and so sprightly.

Tee-hee. But I'm not finished with him yet.

Due penance I'll exact, and win my bet.

Zack! He fell for it!

.

**Zack's ghost **[_off]_

I want my sword back.

.

_Exit ghost of Aerith._

_._

_._

**Scene 2: A Street in Edge**

_Enter, oppositely, Cloud and Vincent_

_._

**Cloud**

Well met by moonlight, Vincent Valentine.

What brings thee to Edge on such a night?

.

**Vincent**

Tseng. And Elena. See'st thou this heavy purse?

I read the flyer up in Icicle Inn:

"Whoe'er to Rufus doth these Turks restore

Shall have the chinks."

.

**Cloud**

You rescued them for gil?

Was it not, rather, ancient loyalties,

Blood-brotherhood, the bonds of suit and tie,

Rememberance of who thou truly art,

That moved thee to take pity on their plight?

'Once a Turk, always a Turk', isn't that

your motto?

.

**Vincent**

No, it's 'By retreating today, we remain victorious,'

Or else, 'Never pass up a free drink, especially on company time.'

With this sweet windfall I'll a cellphone buy.

An iphone? Or are Blackberrys more cool?

O, brave new world, that hath such gadgets in it!

But tell me now, Cloud, whither goest thou?

.

**Cloud**

Due north, there to confront Kadaj and co,

As Aerith did but lately bid me do.

.

**Vincent**

But Aerith is –

[_aside] _Alas, poor addlepate.

Grief hath turned his reason. I'll by his side

Remain, thus to protect him from himself.

Cloud, good friend, I'll go that way with thee,

To seek the leather-clad young androgynes.

I somewhat of their story late have learned

And to thee I'll impart it as we go….

.

_exeunt_

.

.

**Scene 3: The Forgotten Capital**

**.**

_Enter Kadaj_

_._

**Kadaj**

If music be the food of love, play on

Uematsu, pluck the strings of my heart;

The tune it plays hath but a single note.

Rufus! That name is music to mine ears.

Rufus! Beguiling everyone who hears!

That first sweet glimpse of my dear angel's face

Melted my heart to fire and liquid light

The which, like beams shot from the rising sun

Piercing the dark dawn, revealed a wonder:

The blue sky, curtained by his eyelids.

And at once my soul rose into his heaven

Therein to worship through all eternity.

Oh, Rufus Shinra is the world to me!

And yet, he is my hated enemy!

Ah, if he only knew the truth that lies

Beneath this black and leathery disguise -

O thou wretch! Miserable, lovesick fool!

This love's a crime can never find confession

For Sephiroth would punish the transgression.

Not a word, then! Not a sigh! Not a breath!

Spoken aloud, my love would mean my death.

God help me! Who's here? Yazoo, 'tis thee?

.

_Enter Yazoo_

_._

**Yazoo**

Our brother doth approach, and with him comes

The red-caped man who stole our Loz' playthings.

.

**Kadaj**

Let us go greet them.

.

_Exeunt_

_Enter Cloud and Vincent, conversing_

.

**Vincent**

… And that's how Sephiroth and these triplets

Are connected.

.

**Cloud**

You're well informed. Thank you,

Vincent, for that thorough explanation.

It all makes perfect sense now.

.

_Enter Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz_

_._

**Kadaj**

Hail!

**.**

**Yazoo**

Hail!

.

**Loz**

Hail!

.

**Cloud**

No, I'm Cloud –

.

**Loz**

Hail, Vincent Valentine, son of Grimoire!

.

**Yazoo**

Turk thou hast been, and vampire thou now art.

.

**Kadaj**

And thou shalt be the leading man hereafter,

In thine own first-person shooter RPG.

.

**Cloud**

What devious lie is this? What fresh illusion?

.

**Vincent**

[_aside]_ They have divined my secret wish aright.

Stay, imperfect speakers, stay. Tell me more.

.

**Cloud**

Don't listen to them, Vincent! Sephiroth

Is messing with your head! Such things can't be!

.

**Kadaj**

And therefore, Vincent, hero, monster, goon –

.

**Kadaj, Loz, Yazoo**

All hail!

.

**Vincent**

Like smoke they fade! Sprites, whither goest thou?

.

**Yazoo**

To Edge. The children are already there.

**.**

**Loz**

To Edge!

.

**Kadaj**

I have a date with Rufus on a roof.

.

**Yazoo**

Fail us not!

.

_Exeunt Kadaj, Loz, and Yazoo_

_._

**Vincent**

There is more in them than mortal knowledge.

Cloud, stand not amazed. Make haste and follow.

.

_Exits_

_._

**Cloud**

Did we just come all this way for nothing?

.

_enter Aerith's ghost_

_._

**Aerith's ghost**

Stop lollygagging around, Cloud, and listen.

The silver-haired androgynous young men

Will take Jenova's head from Rufus Shinra

And merge the alien cells with their own bodies

And thus dead Sephiroth will be respawned.

And only you can stop them. But be warned.

Their hideout is a private Catholic girls' school.

The most ferocious of the holy sisters,

Armour-plated, gimlet-eyed, with fiery breath,

Keeps watch upon the gate that guards the virgins,

That none with balls may enter and defile

The sanctified devotions of the maidens.

Therefore, Cloud, in order to gain entrance,

You will have to –

.

**Cloud**

Hang on.

.

**Aerith's ghost**

Zack's got the uniform right here. Go on!

Please! It's your size! You'll look so cute, Miss Cloud.

.

**Cloud**

I am not dressing up as a nun.

.

**Aerith's ghost**

As if. Sailor Moon. Crossover! Show him, Zack.

The ankle socks are so kawaii. Please, Cloud?

.

**Cloud**

I don't know about this….

.

**Aerith's ghost**

You don't want Sephiroth to respawn, do you?

.

**Cloud**

Well, no, but –

.

**Zack's ghost**

Come with me, buddy, let's get you changed.

I'll lend a hand and help you with your zipp,

Just like the old days in the SOLDIER locker….

.

_Exeunt_

_

* * *

_

_Deviance level rising. Shakespeare is excited. Cast "Review"._


End file.
